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Engaged Couples Guide to Marriage Preparation -
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Congratulations! If you are reading this, you have made a beautiful promise of life and love to a special person, now your joyous fiancé. This is a time of immense joy and excitement, a moment to be treasured. Your engagement is not just a preparation for a single day—your wedding day—it is a profound journey of faith, joyfully saying “yes” to your vocation to marriage for all the days of the rest of your lives.
By seeking marriage in the Catholic Church, you publicly acknowledge that there is more to marriage than a paper contract legally binding you together. Christian marriage “implies a response to God’s vocation and the acceptance of the mission as a sign of God’s love for all the members of the human family, by partaking in the definitive covenant of Christ with the Church. Therefore, spouses cooperate with the Creator and Savior in the gift of love and life. Hence, Christian marriage preparation can be described as a journey of faith that does not end with the celebration of marriage but continues throughout family life.”
During your journey of faith over the coming months, you will have the opportunity to meet and interact with many people and utilize various resources, all meant to help you grow into a deeper understanding of marriage, faith, and, ultimately, love for your future spouse. You will not be alone on this journey. In addition to your priest, you may meet with a deacon, marriage sponsor couple, or other individuals. You may be given handouts, websites, books, or videos designed to provide you with the support you need.
Many pray that your hearts and minds will be open to the work of the Holy Spirit during this preparation time. May you be drawn closer to Jesus's heart and engulfed in His love as you pray with Him, spend time with one another, meet with others, and reflect on the materials presented to you.At least four to six months of preparation will need to be completed, but depending on your circumstances, you may need more time to grow in your faith and to grow together. This is why it may be wise to wait until you have spent some time in preparation to decide on a date for your wedding.
As you read through the rest of this guide (presented below in tab form), you will find sections on various aspects of marriage preparation to support you during this preparation time and into your married life.
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- Do You Come Freely, Totally, Faithfully, and Fruitfully
- Three to Get Married-Marriage as a Sacrament
- So, You think you have found Mr/Mrs Right- Have You Asked God?
- God's Green Plan for Your Family-Natural Family Planning
- Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder-Living Together Prior to Marriage
- Special Situations
- Marriage Sponsor Couples
- FOCCUS Personal Inventory
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“You are created in the image and likeness of God.”
Has anyone ever told you this? Have you ever really thought about what it means? Do you believe it?
While this is an amazing thing to think about from an individual point of view, it’s even more amazing
when you learn that “God who created man out of love also calls him to love—the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. For man is created in the image and likeness of God, who is himself love. Since God created him man and woman, their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man.”And how does God love us? We can look to Christ for our answer. He loves us freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. We are likewise called to love one another in this way, and on your wedding day, both of you will be asked to consent to the following:
- “Have you come here freely and without reservation to give
- yourselves to each other in marriage? (Freely and Totally)
- Will you honor each other as a man and wife for the rest of your life? (Faithfully)
- Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church? (Fruitfully)
As you can see, the wedding vows reflect how Christ loves us. Let’s look more closely. When you love freely, no person or desire is controlling you. Ask yourself, am I getting married – making a lifetime covenant of love with this person – because everyone else thinks (s)he is perfect for me? Is my love based primarily on sexual attraction or activity? Am I addicted to alcohol, pornography, gambling, or something else that impedes my ability to love freely? When you love totally, you hold nothing back. Even if you overcome desires controlling you and allow yourself to love freely, you must give all of yourself to your future spouse and put his or her needs above your own. Are you holding onto past relationships? Are you keeping something from your future spouse that he/she should know?
When you love faithfully, you are emotionally, physically, and spiritually committed to your spouse for the rest of your life. Do you think you can get a divorce if it doesn’t work out? Do you flirt with others at work or through social networking? Do you desire to be with someone else or engage in an activity more than spending time with your future spouse? Being faithful involves much more than not having an extramarital affair.When you love fruitfully, your love is life-giving, open to the possibility of new life through the conception of a child, and invigorating emotionally and spiritually. Do you have no intention of deepening your faith together? Do you plan to use contraception in your marriage? (You may be surprised to learn that contraception is a violation of this vow. Please see “God’s Green Plan for Your Family – Natural Family Planning”)
Pope Saint John Paul II eloquently describes these elements of love: “[C]onjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter – appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility.”
As you continue your marriage preparation, you will hopefully explore married love more deeply, what Pope Saint John Paul II calls “betrothed love.” If you haven’t already, you will likely realize the unique ways men and women express love. While often seen as opposed to one another, the ways men and women love are complimentary and part of our very nature. Remember, together, as male and female, we image God’s love.
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Marriage is one of the seven Sacraments of the Catholic Church. A Sacrament is an outward and visible sign of inward grace from God, specifically a sacred and mysterious sign ordained by Christ by which grace is conveyed to your soul. Marriage, then, is an outward sign that reveals the Lord Jesus to you and communicates His Divine Life and Love through grace.
The internal grace conveyed to your souls through your “yes” to receiving the Sacrament is the ongoing and continual divine help from Christ that is necessary to live out the Sacrament of Marriage – the help needed to love freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully, day in and day out for the rest of your lives. When couples receive the grace of the Sacrament of Marriage, “Christ dwells with them, gives them the strength to take up their crosses and so follow him, to rise again after they have fallen, to forgive one another, to bear one another’s burdens, to ‘be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ,’ and to love one another with supernatural, tender, and fruitful love.”
Distinct from the other sacraments, the Sacrament of Marriage is directed toward the salvation of others. “If they contribute as well to personal salvation, it is through service to others that they do so.” In other words, the ultimate goal of the Sacrament of Marriage is to help your spouse (and any children) get to heaven. What a tremendous responsibility. What an incredible gift.
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Marriage is unique in that it is both a Sacrament and a vocation. When we hear the word vocation in the Catholic Church, we tend to think of priests, deacons, brothers, or sisters. But the reality is that Christ calls every person to live their life in a particular vocation. Therefore, there are two essential questions to answer personally and as a couple: “Is Jesus Christ calling me to the married life?” And if so, “Is He calling me to unite my life with this particular person unto death?”
While preparing,
you may conclude that this marriage is not an answer to God’s call. This discernment is not something to feel wrong about, nor should it be seen as a failure. It is a blessing to discover this before you are married.You might be thinking, what a depressing thing to say to an engaged couple. But because marriage is one of the most important decisions you will make in your life, the Church wants you to take sufficient time to step back from the romantic feelings of your relationship and truly get to know each other on a deeper level so that God can reveal to you His will for your vocation.
To know and understand His will, we must be in a relationship with Him and communicate through prayer. Prayer has many definitions, but simply, it is a personal response to God’s presence. God is always here for us. As the old saying goes, if you feel distant from God, you must ask yourself, “Who moved?” But also remember that God does not impose or force Himself on us; we must seek Him and respond to His presence.
Prayer and discernment go hand in hand. It isn’t likely that you will say a prayer, and then God will speak to you in a burning bush or shout from the heavens. More often than not, He will speak to you in the depths of your heart or whisper to you, perhaps in a moment of silence or in the words or encouragement of others. Discernment in the spiritual life is a process of sifting those movements from the Holy Spirit, directing us to a deeper union with God, from those that lead us away from Him.
Marriage preparation is a beautiful time to develop and deepen your prayer life and to discern not only your vocation to marriage but all that comes with that decision so that when you walk down the aisle, you can experience a fullness of peace and joy knowing that this is God’s will for your life. You are fully prepared for what He has in store for you. This is why it is also a time to begin to sort through issues, conflicts, and wounds from your past and to celebrate and build on shared values, hopes for your future, and how you complement one another. Prayer and discernment are critical to this process, for God knows both of you inside and out. He knows your past and your future. Invite Him into your marriage preparation through prayer.
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One of the questions you will likely be asked during marriage preparation is, “How many children do you want?” While this may seem premature, it is important to begin discussing your desires for your future family. If one of you desires a large family, and the other is not open to the gift of children, you have much to discuss!
Discussing your plans for fulfilling those desires well before the honeymoon is also helpful. This may go against what you believe or have been taught by family, friends, in school, by your doctors
or nurses, and from the culture. Still, it is the truth – contraception is not a safe and responsible way to plan your family; it thwarts God’s plan for life and love in marriage, and its use is an intrinsic evil. But do you know why?God created the marital embrace to uniquely and satisfyingly draw you together in intimacy and love while fulfilling God’s commandment to “be fertile and multiply.” It is simultaneously self-giving and life-giving, and God’s plan is that these elements are not separated. When either element is absent, the act can easily be abused, with the most obvious example of engaging in it for purely selfish physical pleasure.
Recall from the previous section how we are called to love one another freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully. We are also called to this kind of love in each act of “making love.” If contraception is used, the marital embrace is neither free, total, faithful, or fruitful. Many couples wrongly assume that this teaching means that Catholic couples are called to have as many children as possible. While this may be what some couples discern is their call, many others, at least for some period in their marriage, may have a severe reason for delaying a pregnancy. The good news is that there is a natural, healthy, drug-free, and scientific method that is effective in both delaying and helping you conceive a child. The method is Natural Family Planning (NFP).
In short, using the observable biological signs that God placed in a woman’s body, couples together track fertility and exercise the freedom to abstain from the marital embrace when they have discerned through prayer that they are not ready for a child or welcome another child, and may also decide when to engage in intercourse during times of natural infertility.
The scope of this guide does not allow for the discussion of the fullness and beauty of the Church’s teachings on NFP, but please consider these important points:- NFP is the only method of family planning that is in accordance with Church teachings—it’s God’s Divine Plan.
- NFP empowers husband and wife to know and understand each other’s body and the gift of fertility.
- NFP helps foster respect, trust, communication, and cooperation between husband and wife.
- NFP enhances couple communication and intimacy.
- NFP nurtures a deeper understanding and acceptance of children as blessings to be welcomed, treasured, and loved beyond measure, building healthy and loving families.
- Periodic abstinence, while not always easy, provides periods to focus on other ways to love and care for each other.
- NFP is not the old-school “rhythm method.”
- NFP is green and natural, with no synthetic drugs, chemicals, devices, or surgical procedures.
- Charting of fertility signs provides a valuable health record and diagnostic tool.
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Some couples choose a lifestyle of Cohabitation. Cohabitation, or an intimate sexual relationship outside of marriage, is a serious block to healthy marriage preparation and has been proven to be linked with problems later in marriage.
A couple might think that living together will help them get to know one another better so that they will have a better chance of a happy marriage. The exact opposite is true. Statistics show that couples who have lived together divorce at rates considerably higher than those couples who have not lived together. We offer this information as an important invitation to take this marriage preparation time seriously.
Cohabiting and sexual intimacy outside of marriage is also in opposition to Church teaching. This kind of opposition is sin, not because an arbitrary human law is being broken, but because it is acting outside of God’s great plan for man and woman in the marriage covenant, which has been created and intended to flow from vows of permanency (“until death do us part”) and faithfulness. Only within the permanency of the marriage covenant can you love one another freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully, as described previously.
Cohabitating and sharing sexual intimacy outside of marriage can set in motion negative thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors toward one another and cloud a proper discernment of true love. Sexual intimacy outside of marriage is often treated as something owed to the other and focused primarily on physical pleasure.If you are a cohabiting couple who has chosen to marry, the Catholic Church welcomes your decision to marry. Because cohabitation can affect the marriage, couples are encouraged to explore specific questions with the pastoral minister preparing them for marriage. These include:
- Why did you choose to live together?
- What did you learn from the experience of living together?
- Why did you decide to marry?
- Why do you wish to marry in the Catholic Church?
- What does marriage as a sacrament mean to you?
If you are living together or sexually active, you will probably be asked by the priest to separate and maintain a chaste relationship. This will free you from living in opposition to Church teachings and allow you to understand more deeply the beauty of our human nature and God’s plan for sexual intimacy within marriage. It can allow you to start your relationship anew without the pressures and distractions of sexual activity, and thereby enter the Sacrament and receive the graces with a proper disposition
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Interfaith couples may wonder if marriage preparation will be different for them. The same requirements for marriage preparation apply when one person is not Catholic. This is so even if you want your ceremony to occur in a non-Catholic Church. You will need approval, called mixed marriage permission or dispensation, to marry in the Catholic church. In addition, if you want to marry outside a Catholic parish, the priest or deacon preparing you will have to ask and receive the Bishop's permission to marry in a different denomination Church.
During your preparation, you will likely explore the teachings of each others’ faith and how you plan to live out your faith in your marriage. This is especially important because if you are Catholic, you will be asked to promise to do all in your power to have your children baptized and raised in the Catholic faith. Catholic couples will also spend time discussing these same issues because many times, couples are not at the same place on their journey of faith or disagree about the role faith will play in their marriage together.
Youthful marriages are particularly concerning because of the statistics of failure. If you are a teen considering marriage, the Church wants to take special measures to enhance the strength of your union. As an extra precaution against a hasty decision with lifetime consequences, your Priest or Deacon must consult with the Bishop and receive written permission to allow the wedding before a date may be set.Pregnancy does not speed up marriage preparation; instead, it suggests that special care be taken to prepare the couple for the vows of marriage and parenthood. If the Priest or Deacon believes that your situation would be better, wait until after the child is born. You will not be able to set a wedding date and have to contact the Priest or Deacon at a later time.
Remarriage involves a new relationship and new challenges. If one or both partners have lost a spouse or experienced divorce and now desire to remarry, the priest or deacon assisting you will need some specific documents.
If your spouse has passed on, you will need to provide a death certificate. This also applies if you were divorced and never received a declaration of nullity (annulment).
If your former spouse is still living, a declaration of nullity (annulment) of any prior marriage is required for remarriage after a divorce.
Please confer with the Priest or Deacon assisting you so that he can discuss this process with you and obtain a copy of the declaration before proceeding with marriage preparation.
Convalidation addresses the desire of a man and woman who were married outside the Church to enter a valid Catholic marriage. If you want your marriage validated, please consult your parish Priest for appropriate assistance.
All the policies and procedures for marriage preparation in our diocese are designed to benefit you and your future marriage.
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A priest may choose to have a Marriage Sponsor Couple assist in your preparation by meeting with you several times. They work alongside and in cooperation with your priest or deacon and oftentimes review and discuss your personal inventory results (described in the next section).
This married couple can be a great resource and blessing to you, bringing with them experience and wisdom from living their own vocation. The couple chosen for you is a sign of the prayers and support of your parish and the whole faith community. They will welcome you into their home, share your enthusiasm and concerns for your upcoming marriage, and help you along the way.
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Priests and Deacons in the Diocese of Grand Island may ask you to complete an evaluation of your relationship through what is referred to as a personal inventory called FOCCUS.
FOCCUS stands for Facilitating, Open, Couple, Communication, Understanding and Study. It is designed to help you learn more about yourselves, your unique relationship, and your strengths and weaknesses. It is a tool to help you identify and work through many topics, including lifestyle expectations, friends and interests, communication, problem-solving, religion and values, parenting, family of origin, sexuality, finances, and others. It is not a compatibility test or a predictor of success or failure. The ultimate goal is to facilitate open and honest communication.
Therefore, completing the inventory promptly and answering the questions honestly without consulting one another is crucial. Based on your answers, a report will be created for your priest or marriage sponsor couple to facilitate discussion.
